I didn’t go into open adoption with a full understanding of what it would actually look like. I knew I wouldn’t be the one parenting, but beyond that, I didn’t have a strong groundwork for what open adoption truly meant. Looking back, I wish I had taken more time to think about the realities before stepping into it. Not because I regret my decision, but because the emotional terrain is complex, layered, heavy, and education is essential.
I’ve been blessed with an open adoption, but I’ve learned that the word open covers a wide range of possibilities. It’s not a one-size-fits-all arrangement. Every open adoption looks different, and that’s something I didn’t fully realize until I was living it.
Open adoption means there’s a greater level of communication and relationship between you and the adoptive family than in a semi-open arrangement. It means real connection, in-person visits, and building an actual relationship. That might happen through visits a few times a year, or more often depending on the comfort level of everyone involved. Some families use apps, some text or call directly, and some have standing dates that become part of the rhythm of the child’s life. No matter the form, it’s grounded in trust and a built relationship. There’s no single “right way,” but there is a need for mutual respect and open communication in an open adoption, and that respect runs both ways.
Trust can be sacred. Because here’s the truth: I’m not the one parenting, but I’m still the mother. And so is she. We are both mothers to the same child. We hold different roles, but share something unshakable...our love for our child. We didn’t arrive here the same way. Our roads were different, we each carried grief and a story written in our own words, but they led to the same child, and now, somehow, to each other. That line can be tender and fragile, and still beautiful.
Sometimes people think “open” means a wide-open door to the adoptive family’s home or life, full access all the time. But even in our closest relationships, that’s not realistic. Boundaries are healthy and necessary. Open doesn’t mean boundary-less. It means a trusted and intentional relationship has been built, or is being built. And it means you continue to choose trust: in the adoptive parents, in the decision you made, and in the bond you’re still a part of. That trust has to be nurtured, and that can be a process.
Because yes, I chose this family. I entrusted them with my child. And I’m still walking alongside, in my own way.
Open adoption is about connection, not control. Relationship, not rivalry. And if handled with care, it creates a kind of partnership. Not co-parenting, but co-loving. Two families brought together by one child. Each with our own place. Each with our own role. But somehow, part of the same story.
If you’re a birth mom considering open adoption, or you’re in the middle of it and feeling unsure, I want you to know this: your story doesn’t end with placement. It just begins a new chapter. And that chapter can still be full of love, growth, grace, and healing.
If you’re walking through open adoption or preparing for it, I’d love to hear your story or answer questions you’re sitting with. You’re not alone, and your voice matters here
